Sixth Post: the Liquid Breakfast

This morning in 'Adventures in Depressing Food for One I will be looking at my breakfast, which is a can of Rockstar energy drink: fruit punch flavour.
There's a fine politics to energy drink brands. Relentless is my favourite but it's kinda pricey. Monster is tasty and varied but I stopped buying them on account of marketing that was so sexist that it went through to full on misanthropy. No Fear reminds me of shit tshirts worn by dull children. So I am left with rockstar.

The Student's Breakfast Bar

It has vitamins in it, and so purports to be healthy. That's kind of like saying that you are treating an iron deficiency with a shanking.

Looks salubrious, right?

If one peers down into the can the drink itself becomes visible. I think it's trying to look like fruit juice, but it reminds me more of motorcycle oil. The can is blacked out like a porn shop window.

If you look carefully there is an engraving around the rim:
"Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate"

Fergus: The Guava flavour? Love that stuff.

Nick (present at the time):It looks delightful from here

The flavour is slightly fruity, with a berry note. This delicate touch is swimming on a tidal wave of apocalyptic sweetness. It reminds me of when I used to eat my mums Canderel artificial sweetener pellets like tic tacs. If sweetness was an acting style, this drink would be Nicolas cage.

Fergus, the guava and green apple are definitely superior. This is more like being kicked in the balls by sugar while a raspberry tickles your earlobe.

There's a slightly oily pallor across my tongue. My throat feels unpleasant. I can feel the caffeine taking effect which is pretty unpleasant on the U1 bus. I'm listening to opera.

I recall an a-level experiment where we gave caffeine to microscopic pond bugs and watched their heart rates increase. Later at Uni we repeated the experiment on ourselves in a lab. I'm still getting data replicates 5 years later.

I didn't know this was made by Barr, purveyors of knockoff coke and disappointing shandy-in-a-can.

The Roundup:

Caffeine content: 160mg
My Heart: skips, skips a beat
Most alarming ingredient: Black Carrot Juice Concentrate. I have never met a black carrot, and it sounds like a euphemism for a penis.
Rating: 5/10, get a different flavour

Toby: 5/10 sounds generous for being punched with a black carrot.

It did the business, Toby.