Third Post: Asda's "Chosen By You" Spicy Meatball stuffed crust pizza

Tonight in 'Adventures in Depressing Food for One' we will be examining Asda's "Chosen By You" Spicy Meatball stuffed crust pizza.

Sarah: Chosen By You is a vaguely sinister and manipulative name for a food. "Chosen By You", you had free will and a free choice and you chose this pizza, so whatever it is like, well, you're the one that chose it, yeah?

Asda proudly boasts that they were own-brand pizza retailer of the year, an accolade similar to how the UK regularly tops charts in drug addiction, illiteracy or hospital-acquired infections.

Sarah, by the time it's in my fridge it's rather a redundant truism. It's basically the supermarket equivalent of Cold Reading.

Sarah: The thing with illiteracy is, the studies that "prove" we are the most illiterate country are often very skewed and don't really give the bigger picture of changes in educational practice and assessment. Whereas I have a feeling that this particular pizza is going to be quite objectively and conclusively terrible.

I await the review with baited breath.

Both the peppers on top and the meat in the meatballs have been shredded and sliced beyond the point where one might be able to discern their initial quality. This does not usually bode well.

The crust is of quite pleasant quality, with a good crunch and bite. The cheese is not overstuffed but then neither is it overly tasty.

I'm fairly sure that the dip is actually the same as the sauce from the Chicken I had on Sunday. They must mix this stuff up by the Pool-load.

Claire: I'm still for making this a Youtube thing. It would make the reviews even better.

But Claire, the additional effort in producing a video would get in the way of me enjoying my meal!

Claire: Then at least take pictures of the way it is before you heat it, and the end result!

Now that my camera is working, I will indeed be able to show some photos, though not after I am done painting my WORD PICTURE

Sarah: Is the dip supposed to have some sort of flavour or is it simply "Dip"?

It's purportedly Garlic and Herb, but more just seems like some thick cream.

The sauce is additionally spicy. I mean that it tastes like they took normal pizza sauce and randomly added some chilli. It does not improve the pizza, much in the same way that Gordon Brown's smile training did not improve his poll ratings.

*shudder*

Well I've had my fill, and fortunately there is plenty left for breakfast. The roundup!

Serving Size: Optimistic
Most redundant statement on box: Salted Egg Yolk (Egg Yolk, Salt)
Overall rating: 5/10, never has something so hot been so bland.

Photo roundup

THE ASPIRATION

THE REALITY

THE DAMAGE: An autumnal spectrum is never good.

It's moments like this that I reflect on the fact that I am in great shape for my diet.

Sarah: Why do they even bother putting dietary stuff on pizzas. People should know what pizzas are made of, and equally they should know that when you eat pizza you're gonna have a good time.

Or at least, a 5/10 sort of good time.

I've got another one for later in the week which I know is my favourite of all types of supermarket pizza. That's uplifting in some respects, but depressing in that I have just reflected on how much research that opinion took.

Susan: Did you go on tinder to find someone to have a depressing dinner for 2 with!!?

No, but perhaps I should start using the introductory line 'You, Me, and an Asda Pizza?'

Susan: You that scene in bridget jones where she sings 'all by myself' thats going through my head now!!

Mary: For another Bridget Jones reference.. it could be worse.. you could be eating Branston pickle out of the jar.. (something I only recently noticed she did.)

That's a privilege I reserve for Hummus.

Stuart: You overcooked that

And yet part of the base was still undercooked.

Stuart: Don't take the oven's shortcomings out on the pizza.