Fourth Post: Asda 'Kickin Piri Piri Chicken' pizza

Tonight on 'Adventures in Depressing Food for One' I will be looking at an asda 'Kickin Piri Piri Chicken' pizza. I actually really like this one, so tonight the depressing aspect will be the fact that I only just got home from work, and that fact that I will be eating the whole pizza myself which watching 'Agents of Shield'.I'm fairly sure this episode started off with a reference to the biscuit attack thing from mitchell and web

That Mitchell And Webb Look - Biscuit Man www.youtube.com

Unlike the pizza I discussed earlier in the week where the peppers were mashed beyond recognition, this has at least some strips, allowing the diner to discern whether the vegetable was substandard, damaged, or used for sexual gratification by a factory worker. 

I'm used to getting a lot of onion on a pizza, but never before have I had pretty much a whole slice of onion. Like just a wedge. I'm tempted to remove it, but I think for the integrity of the review, I must persevere.It has a face on it like it knows what's coming. The texture is unpleasantly squishy and moist. It kind of tastes like sadness.

NOOOOOOOO!

The best part of this pizza is the chicken. It's really flavoursome, with a delicious limey zing. Its quite dry, but in the really pleasant way that meat can be dry and still tender. You know that you aren't just filling up on water-engorged crap. You are eating PURE meat. If they made a beef jerky pizza, I would buy it.

Someone on the production team of Agents of Shield clearly doesn't understand how compasses work.

I just...I don't know where to go with this

Toby: Wow. wow. much stupidity. very bad compass. wow

Arthur: Shame, its quite a good show!

The Roundup!

Direction of Asda from my house: East by Eastwest
Most alarming ingredient discovery: Piri Piri Chicken - 87% chicken. There's an awful lot of 'not-chicken' in my chicken given my previous statement.
Highlight of the ad breaks: christmas version of the dancing pony! Love that song.
Rating: 9/10, would definitely recommend, this pizza is delicious

The Scale of the Onion is Impressive

Bonus points for identifying the six items visible on my floor.

Fergus: There's a lot the production team behind 'Agents Of Shield' doesn't understand.

Amanda: reminds me of this: http://www.toothpastefordinner.com/110413

Miranda: As someone who lived in the land of piri piri for many years I find the current English obsession to basically piri pirify everything (I saw coleslaw last week) completely bewildering and terrifying. These are the rules: only chicken, only grilled bits on the bone, not a runny sauce and if possible only eaten in Guia (although there is a great place in Algoz) Thank you.

Having said that piri piri hummus from sainsbury is deeelish!!

The time for the 'items on my floor' competition has passed. The answers from left to right were:A Guitar
A blanket
the cable of an xbox controller
a Virtis 45 Homogenizer
A coke bottle
and a label maker

Don't Ask

Third Post: Asda's "Chosen By You" Spicy Meatball stuffed crust pizza

Tonight in 'Adventures in Depressing Food for One' we will be examining Asda's "Chosen By You" Spicy Meatball stuffed crust pizza.

Sarah: Chosen By You is a vaguely sinister and manipulative name for a food. "Chosen By You", you had free will and a free choice and you chose this pizza, so whatever it is like, well, you're the one that chose it, yeah?

Asda proudly boasts that they were own-brand pizza retailer of the year, an accolade similar to how the UK regularly tops charts in drug addiction, illiteracy or hospital-acquired infections.

Sarah, by the time it's in my fridge it's rather a redundant truism. It's basically the supermarket equivalent of Cold Reading.

Sarah: The thing with illiteracy is, the studies that "prove" we are the most illiterate country are often very skewed and don't really give the bigger picture of changes in educational practice and assessment. Whereas I have a feeling that this particular pizza is going to be quite objectively and conclusively terrible.

I await the review with baited breath.

Both the peppers on top and the meat in the meatballs have been shredded and sliced beyond the point where one might be able to discern their initial quality. This does not usually bode well.

The crust is of quite pleasant quality, with a good crunch and bite. The cheese is not overstuffed but then neither is it overly tasty.

I'm fairly sure that the dip is actually the same as the sauce from the Chicken I had on Sunday. They must mix this stuff up by the Pool-load.

Claire: I'm still for making this a Youtube thing. It would make the reviews even better.

But Claire, the additional effort in producing a video would get in the way of me enjoying my meal!

Claire: Then at least take pictures of the way it is before you heat it, and the end result!

Now that my camera is working, I will indeed be able to show some photos, though not after I am done painting my WORD PICTURE

Sarah: Is the dip supposed to have some sort of flavour or is it simply "Dip"?

It's purportedly Garlic and Herb, but more just seems like some thick cream.

The sauce is additionally spicy. I mean that it tastes like they took normal pizza sauce and randomly added some chilli. It does not improve the pizza, much in the same way that Gordon Brown's smile training did not improve his poll ratings.

*shudder*

Well I've had my fill, and fortunately there is plenty left for breakfast. The roundup!

Serving Size: Optimistic
Most redundant statement on box: Salted Egg Yolk (Egg Yolk, Salt)
Overall rating: 5/10, never has something so hot been so bland.

Photo roundup

THE ASPIRATION

THE REALITY

THE DAMAGE: An autumnal spectrum is never good.

It's moments like this that I reflect on the fact that I am in great shape for my diet.

Sarah: Why do they even bother putting dietary stuff on pizzas. People should know what pizzas are made of, and equally they should know that when you eat pizza you're gonna have a good time.

Or at least, a 5/10 sort of good time.

I've got another one for later in the week which I know is my favourite of all types of supermarket pizza. That's uplifting in some respects, but depressing in that I have just reflected on how much research that opinion took.

Susan: Did you go on tinder to find someone to have a depressing dinner for 2 with!!?

No, but perhaps I should start using the introductory line 'You, Me, and an Asda Pizza?'

Susan: You that scene in bridget jones where she sings 'all by myself' thats going through my head now!!

Mary: For another Bridget Jones reference.. it could be worse.. you could be eating Branston pickle out of the jar.. (something I only recently noticed she did.)

That's a privilege I reserve for Hummus.

Stuart: You overcooked that

And yet part of the base was still undercooked.

Stuart: Don't take the oven's shortcomings out on the pizza.

Second Post: The Workday Lunchbreak Edition: Dolmio Tomato and Basil Pasta Lunch Pot

I should start a blog for these…but 'Adventures in Depressing Food' will now be looking at a Dolmio pasta-for-one lunch pot.

My initial experience was soured by the sauce pot exploding out of the packaging, and ejaculating a spurt of the Tomato and Basil sauce across the floor of the communal kitchen. Let this day go down in history as the first time this floor was cleaned, apparently.

The sight of the sauce insinuating itself through the microwaved pasta reminded me of the experiment where you put soil in water to discriminate between layers of Humous, inorganic and soluble soil constituents. Basically, like shit on rocks.

The sauce is quite impressive in that it manages to combine both the overpowering acidity of vinegar with the overpowering acidity of sundried tomatos. How they are managing to maintain two forms of overpowering acidities in one palate, I would rather not know.

Mark: I'm about to heat up a tesco's own (nearly bought the finest range but thought that was too aspirational class) spaghetti carbonara. Suspect my experience may be similar

Lucy: Why are you eating such horrible food?

Mark:...we should have a depressing food come dine with me some time (subtle hint at a date there latash :P)

The meal comes without a fork, requiring the user to either steal one from the canteen (as I did), fashion one like MacGyver (as I have done before), eat with hands like a beast, or have one's life together sufficiently to have one prepared. The last possibility is a null set, as if you were so organised, one would not have need of a Dolmio Pasta-for-One lunch pot.

Lucy, Life of a PhD Student
Mark, Can we find four people with so little shame?

Mark: Four people with so little shame...Im in a club with 20 of the fuckers  

Lucy: I made a juice for breakfast with fresh vegetables and for lunch I have a smoked salmon salad with a lemon vinaigrette on the cards.

I had a can of Rockstar energy drink and a JPS Blue for breakfast, this for lunch (accompanied with a pack of mini cheddars and a can of coke zero) and my dinner will probably see me wolfing something reduced-to-clear in costcutter before, during or after my meeting that will run all night.

Lucy: Well that all sounds peachy. Im going to visit my baby brothers so will steal some of their salt/dairy free chicken based dinner. Thats alot of crappy drinks there.. you know water is free?

The Roundup!
Overall: actually quite pleasant, filling and good value for only £1.
pH: 3
Most terrifying thing: the expiry date is after I intend to graduate, it and doesn't require refrigeration. Asbestos pasta perhaps?
Total score: 8/10, would eat again.

Lucy, Water doesn't contain vitamin caffeine.

Lucy: Ah.. I dont ingest caffeine so that's no issue for me. I do manage to stay awake though..

[My reply]

Though seriously, part of this exercise is to shame me into eating less convenience food, by reflecting on how awful it actually is.

Adrian: I would subscribe to this if it were a youtube channel

First Post: Asda 'Classic Roast Chicken with a Creamy Garlic Sauce'

For the latest episode of 'Adventures in Depressing Food' I will be reviewing a reduced-to-clear Asda 'Classic Roast Chicken with a Creamy Garlic Sauce'. May god have mercy on my soul.

It's in a weird layered dish, so that parts of the meal microwave separately. Despite this, things that one would not commonly cook together are indeed being cooked together. It's abominable.

The mushroom looks like a turtle's penis. The spinach is either black, or in parts transparent like seaweed. The chicken is oddly striated like someone stepped on it with a ridged shoe.

The film I am watching immediately echos my sentiments on all-in-one microwave roast dinners: 'Just because we CAN do a thing, does not mean that we must'.I'm pretty sure I just bit a bone, which is alarming because at the time, I was eating a potato.

The chicken doesn't taste bad, but the consistency is odd. In parts is tough, and in parts it's very soft. It's kind of like eating a Creme Egg, but everything is meat. On the penis-mushroom...well I don't usually like the flavour of mushrooms, so I guess it is a good thing that this doesn't have any.


Sarah: Does the chicken have a sort of strange chalky quality when you bite into it? That always intrigues me about chicken in ready meals.

Claire: You should make it a Youtube thing. Just like these girls testing make-up and hair products, there would be you reviewing your dinners.

Sarah, yes it did. Almost like someone had stuck the whole thing together with a simple flour-and-water paste.

Sarah: I'd like to investigate about why all ready meal chicken tastes like that. Not sure if any supermarket retailer would consent to such an investigation though.

The ordeal is over. I am left with a cloying garlicky oil smear all around my tongue. I shall attempt to treat this with many, many cigarettes and rubbing alcohol. My final roundup...

Most egregious breach of false advertising regulations on package: 'Deliciously tender.'
Most alarming ingredient: The chicken (22% of the whole meal, listed as itself being only 98% chicken).
Level of terror created by viewing the dietary information: the creeping dread at the end of the original 'Wicker Man'
Overall score (on a scale from inedible to delicious): 4/10


Chris:

Planet Wings Burger -- Running On Empty -- Food Review

www.youtube.com

Chris, I'd rather be like this guy 

Five Guys Burgers and Fries Review

www.youtube.com

Nancy: This commentary just made my evening.

You laugh, but this is pretty much my life.