So why return to you? Why subject myself to the further culinary torments that you so crave? Well, this writing is quite enjoyable for me, but also a number of people have repeatedly asked me about whether I was going to continue this. Also, my AdSense application was approved so now I can make like the Tory party and start monetising despair. So as they say, once more into the breach.
Today we will be looking at a Hunger Breaks All Day Breakfast. This was an impulse buy from Asda, and while I can't remember the price I have a feeling that the monetary cost will be far less punitive than the physical cost.
Oh god this is getting worse and worse, I need a new paragraph! Because even before I have started, this ingredient list is unfolding like the Lament Configuration. Those nuggets purport to contain Pork, Bacon, and Pork Fat. That's three different ways of saying 'something vaguely piggy' even before you get to Carmine red (made from crushed beetles) ad 'Smoke Flavouring', an ingredient described on Wikipedia as 'weakly genotoxic in vivo'. Oh goody.
In other news, this can has to have the least aspirational use of the phrase 'Serving Suggestion' ever.
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| I've got a better one: Don't |
Yeah. 'On a plate', that's their suggestion. Reach for the stars folks, one day you might be able to do more than just eat this straight out of the tin.
Anyway I get the feeling that I am just typing to stave off the inevitable. It's time to crack the tomb and unleash the ghosts of all the potentially pig-like animals who went into this. It's at this point I also note that the Use-By date is December 2016, which means that this has a shelf life of at least 2 years, plus however many it sat in Asda before anyone made the rational decision to buy it.
The uncanning experience was quite traumatic. As you might expect, upon breaking the seal you are subjected to a beansy fart of pungent gas. Then, upon opening the can your eyes are treated to the artificially coloured abomination within. I chose to video the actual pouring from the can, and I was not disappointed with the results.
The dish can be easily microwaved in 3 minutes, stirring halfway. For some reason it needs 2 minutes to stand, probably so the heat can penetrate the dankest reaches of the nuggets. I made the ill-advised decision to lick the fork after stirring the mixture, and my tongue recoiled into the back of my throat. This doesn't bode well. I find myself singing 'Grease is the Word', not just because I expect this to be a greasy abomination but I get the feeling that after this integral parts of my body will be aged far beyond their reported years.
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| Tonight the part of "John's Liver" will be played by a 32 year old Michael Tucci |
I've chosen to go over and above their 'serving suggestion' and have added a touch of garnish to this car crash. In fairness, this is the closest that the real meal has ever looked to the tin, but that's really nothing to boast about in this situation.
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| The first bite is with the eye. I think the fourth bite will be with the bin. |
Amidst a sea of baked beans, we have three button mushrooms, one disk...thingy, two spherical...thingies and two tubular...thingies. Honestly, I don't know how better to describe it. I associate 'Bacon' with being flat, so I presume that the Disk is that, and the sausages are more likely to be tubular than spherical sausage meatballs. However, the balls are really very dark, so how could they be Pork and Egg? The only way to tell is to taste.
The ostensibly bacon disk has a strange rubbery texture and cuts much like if one slices through a mushroom. There is no discernible muscle fibre present, just homogenous grainy texture. The taste, if you can call it that, is just a salty note above the already salty tomato bean sauce.
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| It's weird when even the word 'ostensibly' is being used generously |
The 'sausage' appears to share this homogeneity, but is softer and more giving to the knife, somewhat like margarine. The 'meat' is preposterously sweet, which is even more repugnant when you expect it to be so salty. It almost looks like there are bits of gristle in it like a cheap sausage, but when you poke them these break apart like a paste. They can't even convincingly fake a cheap sausage.
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| Fortunately nothing in this picture was wriggling |
And now, to the main event: those nuggets. I'm actually already feeling a bit ill at this point which is unusual for this blog. I think I have gone too far. I just put my fork into a nugget and it gurgled a little as it deflated. I think that counts amongst the most horrifying culinary moments I have ever experienced. I really am a little scared as what might happen next. Upon cutting into it you reveal...a scotch egg! Ah familiarity at last! That all starts to make sense now, though it does cause me to reflect on the fact that they must have been specifically forbidden from using the phrase 'Scotch Egg'. I think this means that this meal is so unhealthy and disgusting that Scotland rejected it. The Scotch Eggs as a matter of fact are relatively palatable, existing in a Goldilocks middle ground between the 'too salty' bacon and 'too sweet' sausage.
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| This was the high point of the meal, in the same way that the Covered Market is the best place in Coventry. |
The beans and mushroom are not noticeably bad. I don't like or eat beans usually, so this is no more offensive than I expected, and the mushrooms at least appear to not be some bizarre frankenfood. Man my standards have gotten low when 'recognisably food' is the bar of acceptability. However, following the assault on my senses from the sausage and bacon, I really cannot bring myself to eat any more. I am defeated. In the battle of Man Vs Food...well nobody wins. When it comes to all-day breakfast in a can, the only winning move is not to play.
The Roundup:
Mouth-feel: Melancholic
% of Salt GDA: 62%
Colour: Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice
Rating: 0/10. I use that number sparingly but fairly.
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